I will die if light touches me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize