I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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