they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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