You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
