when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
