We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
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He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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