i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
