Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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