Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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