mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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