Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
