I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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