I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
