this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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