why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
