Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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