this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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