I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
