don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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