I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
