the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
