she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
