I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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