You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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