one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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