Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
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I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
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The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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