Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
