They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
