You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
