i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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