can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
