i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
