i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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