Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This house was built for laser tag.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
