he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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