If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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