The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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