I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
