I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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