Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
