i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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