I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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