the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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