Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
