Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
