just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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