a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
