He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
