I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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