i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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