There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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