A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
