Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
