i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
