He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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