i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.