I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
