he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
