Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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