I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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